All goods things must come to an end. I just finished the Durarara anime yesterday, and was briefly at a loss for what to watch next, before remembering that I'd meant to watch Spice and Wolf, so I'm watching that now. I really hope it gets more exciting; I've only seen two episodes, but right now I don't feel that interested in it.

I always get a little disheartened after finishing a good series. I was really excited while I was watching Eureka Seven, Code Geass, and Boys Over Flowers in the first semester, but once I got close to the end of those shows, I always seemed to enter a gloomy period (might just be coincidental, but I like to think that there's cause and effect going on here). Well, I guess I could easily remedy that by watching and reading nothing but "good" anime and manga. But if I were to always spend my time dabbling in the best of the best, wouldn't I become unable to appreciate how good it was? After all, I just read somewhere earlier today that there has to be dark to see the light.

But anyways, I thought Durarara really came into its own in the second half of the anime (I can only speak in these terms because I haven't read the manga...I would like to read more manga in the future, but it's sometimes hard to find a good one that's already finished and doesn't have a ridiculous amount of chapters.) I liked a lot of the characters, and at first I wasn't sure what I thought of Shizuo because he smoked and seemed to become violent for no reason, though I have as of late become quite fond of him. I'm a big fan of Celty ♥

Though I wouldn't really say that Kida is one of my favorite characters in Durarara, I feel like I have the most connection to him. There were, in the past things he did - or didn't do, and he tries and tries and tries to move on, and yet he's still his own prisoner. It's one thing to forgive someone else, but it's another to forgive yourself...For failing to act at an important moment. What would you rather do? Regret what you've done, or regret what you didn't do?

When I get depressed, which is unfortunately pretty often, all the things I messed up in the past come back to me. It's like I keep opening my wounds all over again even after they healed, just like what I always did with the part on the other side of my knee - you know, on the back of your leg, the place where your leg bends? It often got itchy and I couldn't help but scratch it, and sometimes it turned red and pretty nasty. At least the pain kept me from scratching it, but while it was healing it would be itchy again, and so the wounds never really closed (well, until the weather changed, that usually made it less itchy so I'd finally stop scratching it). The body does have important messages to tell the mind, and I'm not just referring to problems dealing with your past, but also to health problems not having to do with the brain... These days I've seen many people coming down with illnesses and having to be hospitalized...I'm not able to discuss anything more than that, but it has been a very misfortunate time indeed.

Labels: anime, appreciation, celty, characters, depression, durarara, fear, good, health, itchy, kida, past, problem, questions, regret, shizuo

This is a post that really deviates from the original topic, just so you know.

I suppose if you watched Ed, Edd n Eddy a lot as a child, you might've thought at first that I was talking about the good ol' Plank in that show. I don't know why I still remember that. Ed, Edd n Eddy was never one of my favorite cartoons. Guess it's always those odd little things that stick with you after all these years. Sometimes I'll just be sitting there, and it'll hit me all of a sudden...I remember things that I'd forgotten for many years. It hadn't seemed like much to me before, having enough time to read books and play Pokemon games and draw on my hands with washable markers. Back then I'd taken it all for granted. I always hated being told how lucky I am and how I should be grateful. I never understood it back then. But now I think I'm starting to.

This year's French class seems to have a focus on boards. We were able to use a SmartBoard one day. It's pretty cool that you can move stuff around with your hands and "write" on the screen (I suppose it's kind of like a giant tablet). But after that we haven't gotten to use it again. I wonder if there are other classes using the SmartBoard. Or maybe it's stored away somewhere, collecting dust. I often get the feeling that the decision-makers in my area don't make such wise decisions. The library has got some new check-out machines, which save time because you can check out multiple items. All you have to do is stack your items on the machine and it'll check 'em out for you. It is very cool, but did we really need to toss away all those older machines? They worked just fine (well, most of the time).

Well, anyways, back to the subject of boards - quite recently, my teacher passed out white boards for us to use. It sure is nostalgic having them again. I think the last time I got to use them was in 6th grade, and even then it was only rarely. In elementary school, I thought it was really fun to write or draw on a whiteboard, and I wanted to get one myself. When I finally did get a whiteboard for at-home use, I ended up hardly using it. I don't really spend much money anymore because this syndrome is so common for me. I seem to lose interest in things once I have them. But when I've lost what I used to have, then it hits me that I should've appreciated it.

The past seems so beautiful now, even with all its pitfalls...And the future often looks so bleak. I've been wondering for a while now what I'm really doing. It's required by law to go to school, so I can't really worm out of it (my parents can't homeschool me; they have to work, and they're not really good enough at English. And they don't really know any history or cell biology), and I have no idea if private school would be more fulfilling (not to mention the hefty price!).

I love to learn. But going to school is so exhausting. Each day I have to squeeze all the juice out of my brain, have to pay attention when people are talking to me, have to smile even when I don't feel like it... (And even then, one of my friends told me that I should smile more, which was very surprising to me. Several years ago, I was told by someone else that I looked like I was always happy, even when I was angry. I guess things have really changed since my childhood.)

There are lots of things I want to do, and yet here I am, glued to the spot for the next four years. Some days I'm feeling cheerful, I have energy and optimism flowing through my veins. But other days I'm in despair, because it seems like such a waste. Four years when I'm still young...I could be pursuing all those dreams of mine. It's such a waste. Such a terrible waste.

It's especially painful because a lot of things are my own fault. I didn't hang on to my old friends. Maybe it's inevitable that people will grow apart. But there are times when I could've made more of an effort, been more considerate. Sometimes I've been cruel or unsociable on purpose, just to keep people away from me. I've been very selfish, and I still am. I discover sides of people that I really don't like, to the point that I want to detach myself. Or I'm too cowardly to get close to someone because I expect that I am only going to lose that person. It has happened many, many times, and it will surely happen again. But the choice is mine: Will I take the risk? Or will I throw away the chance to befriend someone who might turn out to be a soul mate?

Labels: cartoon, choice, class, ed edd n eddy, french, friends, future, money, myself, past, people, school, smartboard, tired, waste

I would have named this "The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku", except it isn't a Vocaloid disappearing. It's an actual person - to be more precise, my own piano teacher.

Last night, my mother received a call from the mother of a girl who has the same piano teacher as I do. She was wondering if we knew anything about where my piano teacher was and whether she was okay (at her age, it was not completely unreasonable to suspect that perhaps she'd had a stroke, or a heart attack, or some other terrible affliction). The woman's daughter was supposed to have a piano lesson, but she'd been unable to find the piano teacher.

My mother came over to me, rather unsettled, asking if my piano teacher had mentioned anything about there being no piano classes next week or anything along those lines. I was not particularly concerned. I'd wracked my brains and recalled that she'd said something about going to Shanghai, though I couldn't remember whether she was telling me or the student who had his piano lesson right before mine. I'd assumed it wasn't anything important. My teacher, in the past, had always made it clear when she would be gone. She would write that there was no class on such-and-such dates on the little notepad I keep for recording info from the piano classes, and she would say, directly to me, that she would be taking a trip. But not so this time.

I think that she probably thought that she had told the students when she really hadn't. According to my mother, who spoke with someone who is connected to the piano teacher, my teacher has been planning the trip to Shanghai for quite some time now. It wasn't just some spur-of-the-moment decision, a sudden desire to chase an until-now-forgotten childhood dream. But why hadn't she told her students that she wouldn't be here?

It was strange. Very strange. I don't think that my piano teacher is in any danger for her life, at least for the time being. But it seems that her age is starting to show. She is already more than middle-aged, if not quite an old lady. I wonder if maybe she can't remember what she's done and hasn't done anymore. That she's getting her thoughts and what has really happened mixed up. She's becoming like me.

I hope that this is just one incident, that this won't be happening again. I don't want to see someone losing his or herself. It's just too terrible to be alive in body, but to lose your mind, little by little.

Labels: classes, deteriorating, forgetful, losing, mind, missing, past, piano, shanghai, teacher, the disappearance of hatsune miku, trip

I often hear students exchanging information about the content of a test. I have the bad habit (or is it a good habit?) of eavesdropping on conversations. Many people either don't realize how loud their voices are or they simply don't care.

One student, for instance, said, "It's usually choice C! If you don't know which one, you should pick it." I actually have seen that some tests seem to have a lot of C answers. Wonder if that's a coincidence or if people really have a tendency to make C the answer when they're creating tests.

My science teacher has caught onto it, though, and she told us, "Don't think I haven't heard you guys saying 'Pick C!' " She and my math teacher have been reminding students not to reveal what's on the tests to our friends, which unfortunately I am guilty of having done before (though I'm trying to be more vague about what I say).

Last year I overheard some students talking about what was on a science test. They were really talking about very specific things, too, which was rather unsettling. I couldn't bring myself to report it because I didn't want to be thought of as a tattletale and because I thought that maybe the students would all deny it, and I wouldn't have enough proof or something, so I would look like I was just trying to get them in trouble out of spite.

I always make excuses about everything, because it makes it so much easier to run away if I have some other reason for it. I really should have just tried to put a stop to all that sharing of test information that goes on, but I'm still not courageous enough. There are a lot of things that I realize I should have done, looking back on my past. Lots of things I should have said, or shouldn't have said. I can't change the past. What I'm afraid of is that I'll keep making the same mistakes as time goes on. I don't ever seem to learn. It sets me to thinking about what sort of person I really am. People say that it's what's inside that counts. But what if I'm rotten to the core? I'm fearful of what I'll find.

Labels: academic, coincidence, courage, horrible, information, inside, mistakes, option c, past, repeating, report, school, sharing, students, teachers, test

Two nights ago, I found myself in the world of dreams. This hasn't happened for quite a while. In fact, I can't recall having any dreams since I got out of school.

I was at school and we were going on a field trip. We got onto a bus - but it was no ordinary bus. The interior was more spacious than your ordinary school bus, and the seats, instead of being lined up in two columns, were against the walls. We had chosen where we would sit beforehand by marking places on a chart. I had gotten the direction mixed up and sat at the right edge of a black bench at the back of the bus. I was supposed to sit on the left side, where two friends were. But since the bus was moving and I thought it would be troublesome to ask everyone to scoot over a bit so I could take my rightful place, I decided to remain where I was.

Then I noticed one of my friends was taking a picture of me using a device. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew it was a camera. It looked very strange, with yellowish-orange and black colors.

Eventually we got off the bus and arrived at a place that seemed to be a recreational center. We all went to a room that looked very much like my language arts classroom. The teacher said to get our sleeping bags ready for later. I realized with a jolt that I had seen "sleeping bag" on the recommended items for the trip, but I had deemed it unnecessary and forgotten about it. I hadn't expected us to actually have naptime on the trip.

Then I left the classroom and began walking around. I recall walking on a grassy hill, and I think there were some fenceposts here and there. I eventually decided to go the bathroom. I saw someone I knew there. When I was exiting the bathroom, I went out the wrong door and found myself facing a swimming pool. There was a banner of some sort put up near it. The girl that I knew came out that way too. I was going to go back into the bathroom and exit through the correct door, but she said, "You can just walk around to the front." So that's what I did.

I don't remember much else of the dream. I think I had woken up from it by then. But I do recall having seen one other person in that dream - probably while I had been walking around the grassy hill. I've seen that person in another dream, too. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to that person. I wish we could be friends again. Like we used to be.

Labels: bathroom, bus, camera, classroom, door, dream, field trip, friends, past, people, recreational center, school, sleeping bag, summer, swimming pool

A few days ago, I dropped my Nintendo DS.

It's not the first time this has happened. I've dropped it several times before - on carpet and even on my driveway. But this was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

I can't turn the DS on anymore. It lights up for a short while but then flickers off with a kind of cracking noise. I've tried tinkering a little with it but it doesn't do any good.

I was hoping that maybe my parents might have an idea how to fix it, but they said that it was simply getting too old, and probably whatever broke was inside the DS, so there's no real way to get to it without taking the DS apart. (But since it can't turn on anyway, I think it's worth the risk to try and open it up so that there's a chance of fixing it. But I'm not knowledgeable about this kind of thing, so I have no idea what I would do even if I get into the inner workings of the DS.)

If I'd taken more caution and hadn't dropped it on the ground, it would still work. It might have served me yet for a few more years. I know that know one has the power to change the past. But I sure wish I could do something about it.

Maybe it's because I've never seen someone die or attended a funeral that the demise of an object can affect me so much. But maybe it's best that I never have to deal with the pain of someone dying in my life and that this be one of the few things that I've grieved over.

Labels: broken, change, death, drop, fix, funeral, impossible, nintendo ds, past

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