This is a post that really deviates from the original topic, just so you know.

I suppose if you watched Ed, Edd n Eddy a lot as a child, you might've thought at first that I was talking about the good ol' Plank in that show. I don't know why I still remember that. Ed, Edd n Eddy was never one of my favorite cartoons. Guess it's always those odd little things that stick with you after all these years. Sometimes I'll just be sitting there, and it'll hit me all of a sudden...I remember things that I'd forgotten for many years. It hadn't seemed like much to me before, having enough time to read books and play Pokemon games and draw on my hands with washable markers. Back then I'd taken it all for granted. I always hated being told how lucky I am and how I should be grateful. I never understood it back then. But now I think I'm starting to.

This year's French class seems to have a focus on boards. We were able to use a SmartBoard one day. It's pretty cool that you can move stuff around with your hands and "write" on the screen (I suppose it's kind of like a giant tablet). But after that we haven't gotten to use it again. I wonder if there are other classes using the SmartBoard. Or maybe it's stored away somewhere, collecting dust. I often get the feeling that the decision-makers in my area don't make such wise decisions. The library has got some new check-out machines, which save time because you can check out multiple items. All you have to do is stack your items on the machine and it'll check 'em out for you. It is very cool, but did we really need to toss away all those older machines? They worked just fine (well, most of the time).

Well, anyways, back to the subject of boards - quite recently, my teacher passed out white boards for us to use. It sure is nostalgic having them again. I think the last time I got to use them was in 6th grade, and even then it was only rarely. In elementary school, I thought it was really fun to write or draw on a whiteboard, and I wanted to get one myself. When I finally did get a whiteboard for at-home use, I ended up hardly using it. I don't really spend much money anymore because this syndrome is so common for me. I seem to lose interest in things once I have them. But when I've lost what I used to have, then it hits me that I should've appreciated it.

The past seems so beautiful now, even with all its pitfalls...And the future often looks so bleak. I've been wondering for a while now what I'm really doing. It's required by law to go to school, so I can't really worm out of it (my parents can't homeschool me; they have to work, and they're not really good enough at English. And they don't really know any history or cell biology), and I have no idea if private school would be more fulfilling (not to mention the hefty price!).

I love to learn. But going to school is so exhausting. Each day I have to squeeze all the juice out of my brain, have to pay attention when people are talking to me, have to smile even when I don't feel like it... (And even then, one of my friends told me that I should smile more, which was very surprising to me. Several years ago, I was told by someone else that I looked like I was always happy, even when I was angry. I guess things have really changed since my childhood.)

There are lots of things I want to do, and yet here I am, glued to the spot for the next four years. Some days I'm feeling cheerful, I have energy and optimism flowing through my veins. But other days I'm in despair, because it seems like such a waste. Four years when I'm still young...I could be pursuing all those dreams of mine. It's such a waste. Such a terrible waste.

It's especially painful because a lot of things are my own fault. I didn't hang on to my old friends. Maybe it's inevitable that people will grow apart. But there are times when I could've made more of an effort, been more considerate. Sometimes I've been cruel or unsociable on purpose, just to keep people away from me. I've been very selfish, and I still am. I discover sides of people that I really don't like, to the point that I want to detach myself. Or I'm too cowardly to get close to someone because I expect that I am only going to lose that person. It has happened many, many times, and it will surely happen again. But the choice is mine: Will I take the risk? Or will I throw away the chance to befriend someone who might turn out to be a soul mate?

Labels: cartoon, choice, class, ed edd n eddy, french, friends, future, money, myself, past, people, school, smartboard, tired, waste

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