Today has been a chilly day. There are clouds in the sky for the first time in a week or so. I can't remember a year when there was such cold weather at this time in June.

Maybe this year is meant to be different. There was rain later in spring than normal. The reservoir is full and beautiful and reflective. But not everything is good about such change. Different weather is bad for some fruits. I heard that cherries were more expensive this year. And my mother worries that our persimmon trees will not yield much when the time comes to harvest their fruits because of the unusual weather.

But this chill, though it is June, makes me wonder if perhaps the summer will end early this year. My dad dismissed the idea, saying something like "The summer really starts with July 4th" which I don't really understand (I mean, only the USA celebrates Independence Day). There was already a warm spell back in May.

I read the book Sisters of the Sword: Journey Through Fire. The main character, Kimi, is driven by her desire for revenge, but she is told that she should not be filled with so much hate, that it will consume her and lead to her defeat. But in the book I am Apache, revenge seems to be embraced, as warriors set out to avenge their loved ones, who were killed by Mexicans in a surprise attack. I've heard the phrase "revenge is sweet", but is it really? If you kill someone, your hands will be sullied by the blood, and you may forever live with the guilt. And it would not bring back the people that you have lost. But perhaps you must kill someone for the sake of the future and of other innocent people - if you don't kill the person, it is not far-fetched to think he or she will go on to take more lives.

I've also been watching an anime; the name is Ef: A Tale of Melodies. It is a disturbing story, but at the same time it also intrigues me. One of the characters said that he wondered why a person would be born in the first place if they would die. He said that there isn't any point in starting fights that you know you will lose.

But I think that because we are alive, there must be something out there for us to accomplish. I don't think life is meaningless just because we know it will come to an end, for some sooner than others. We still think of things that are temporary as important, like youth, passion, friendship, and dreams. It's up to us to make these things permanent. If two friends swear to be BFFs and support each other when times are rough, then the promise is not broken.

As I am now, I am weak. I don't have thick skin, so the words of people pierce me more deeply than any physical injury. But I still want to become strong. I'll fight every day, even if it's an uphill battle, even if I die and am forgotten. I am alive, so I'll do what I can. There are days when I'm lost in a sea of misery. Days when who I am and who people think I am are different; days when what I want to do and what I need to do are unbearably far apart. But I'll fight on. Even if I'll die trying.

Labels: ability, books, death, different, dream, ef a tale of melodies, fruit, I am apache, journey through fire, life, purpose, reservoir, revenge, sisters of the sword, strength, summer, temporary, weather

This is a phrase that I learned from orchestra, which I used to take back in 6th grade. I think it was on a wall hanging that my teacher had.

Music didn't used to be a big part of my life. Sure, I'd always heard classical music and the sort of music my dad listened to (John Denver, the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Kenny Rogers, Lionel Richie, and so on). And I started taking piano around the age 5 or 6. But at first it wasn't a big deal for me. It grew in importance only after time passed.

We would take music just maybe once or twice a week in elementary school. Mostly we sang, but occasionally we got to play the drums or xylophones, and I always loved that. I thought it was fun - it was something I didn't get to do often, unlike piano, which I had to practice everyday, and I was frustrated by playing piano. I had already accomplished my original reason for starting, which was playing the song Fur Elise (it's really not that hard a song, but it's pretty famous). I was not too good at controlling my temper (and I'm still having trouble in that regard...) so sometimes I would get violent and try to punch the piano or scratch it. Usually resulted in me getting hurt. One time I got mad at Bach (sorry, Bach, but I can't say I'm the biggest fan of your music) and tore part of my book. Not a good idea. Now I can't really put it back together.

I wasn't really a prominent singer either. I suppose I wasn't the worst (no matter what you think, there are always people better than you and always people worse than you, simply because we're all different, and anyways, how good your life is also depends on how you perceive it) but I wasn't the best, either. I mean, I couldn't hit certain pitches and I just really hate it when I'm trying to sing something and it sounds off tune and messed up. I suppose maybe if I practiced very seriously I could improve it, but I'm a lazy person, and anyways I wasn't really considering a career as a singer.

But in seventh grade, I started to listen to music. If you've watched anime, you've probably noticed that there are opening and ending songs, and there's also insert music you might hear during episodes. After a while I started a playlist, and that's when my exploration of music really accelerated. I didn't even listen to English songs much before, but then I started listening to music in Japanese, and even a little in English and Korean. (No French yet, I'm afraid, but maybe someday I'll try it out)

I didn't used to enjoy playing the piano so much, but now I do. I feel like it's a way to unwind at the end of the day by hearing something nice that you yourself worked hard to create (by practicing all these years). And it's a good way to relieve stress, at least for me. I think music is how people who can't necessarily put their thoughts into words express themselves.

I feel guilty because I used to be so mean to my piano. I was often frustrated by not being able to get a certain part right or not being able to play loudly enough (my hands were small - and they still are - and I didn't have much muscle strength). It seems funny now, because I hear the younger students of my piano teacher have trouble making a loud sound on one of her pianos, but I thought it was fairly easy. I suppose they'll be able to handle it when they're older.

My piano has always been there for me, ever since I first obtained it so many years ago. It's always been sitting in the same spot, patiently waiting for me to play it. If I were to tell my problems to it, there is no risk of the piano telling anyone else or being repulsed by what I say. (Though it might look a bit funny, if I were talking to an inanimate object. There are psychologists near my house, after all.) That does make me concerned, though; if I go to college and I can't live at home since it's far away, what can I do about the piano? Should I have it moved? (But if I lived in an apartment or dorm, it'd probably take up too much space.) Or do I have to give up playing the piano? The latter choice seems painful. (I don't want to have to buy a stand-up piano just for when I'm away from home, however, so I don't see what I can do about it.)

Not long ago, I read a bout called A Crooked Kind of Perfect by Linda Urban. It's not a difficult book to understand, but I thought it was pretty nice. What piqued my interest was that the main character plays the organ. I've never played the organ and have always thought of it as an antiquated instrument seeing as I've only really seen it in old churches and other historical, touristy buildings. Apparently, the organ needs to be turned on and various rhythm styles (this leads me to think it is actually kind of like a keyboard...). I've never met anyone who has played the organ, so I'm really curious about it.

Labels: a crooked kind of perfect, anger management, anime, bach, best friend, book, challenge, college, expression, fur elise, instrument, moving, music, organ, piano, school, self, singing, strength, stress

Last week, in math class, we watched a video called Donald in Mathmagic Land. It's an old Disney movie featuring Donald Duck which shows how math shows up in our lives.

The movie showed how music is actually based off of math. I believe it was Pythagoras, whom the Pythagorean Theorem is named after. He found out that to go an octave higher, you simply divide the length of a string in half. Different lengths of string would create different sounds/notes (C, D, E, F, and also the sharps and flats) Pythagoras's discovery then became the basis for the instrument we know as the harp.

Also, the film showed how math is used in nature. Many flowers had five petals, designed to look like a star, or a pentagon. And snails and other animals with shells had a spiraling shape, which is also mathematical.

Even people who play pool (otherwise known as billiards) use math. There are little markings all along the perimeter of the pool table. Some experts use those markings to decide how to shoot, and it also helps them to see where the ball will go.

It's a little hard to explain it in words. If you're bored one day and have a half hour of time, I suggest you go on Youtube and search for "Donald in Mathmagic Land". It seems that the movie can be watched on Youtube. It's pretty good considering that the movie was from 1959 or so.

Enough about mathematics itself...And on to math class. My teacher said that this morning he walked by and saw some students doing PE. They were having their pull-up tests on the metal bars we have at my school. He said that at our age, we're supposed to be at our athletic prime, and so he found it funny watching people who look buff struggling and struggling to do a single pull-up. They would strain and kick their legs but they wouldn't go up. But at least there were some people who could do lots of pull-ups, which sort of made up for it. Apparently, one guy said, "I'm so proud that I have a ripped friend," since one of his friends could do 15 pull-ups.

Lately, my dad has been really busy at work. He's practically working two jobs since he's still doing his old job and kind of doing another job too. He doesn't want to be a manager anymore. I was outraged because I think that being a manager is a good job. Before, my dad didn't seem to work much and he was being paid a reasonable amount. But my dad says that now his company is really getting their money's worth out of him since he's really working hard. I'm kind of worried because he looks tired. That's why I think he should go back to being a manager, just that, like the old days, so he can be relaxed.

My mother is also having troubles with work, but a different kind. She was moved downstairs (her cubicle used to be on the second floor of her office building). Now she's right near the door, which is both convenient (shorter walk to and from her car) and also annoying. There is a vent or something above her cubicle which has air coming out of it. My mom complained about it but it still seems to be blowing (she hung up something and it moves because of the breeze). She says she can't concentrate at work because of the breeze. Unfortunately, she hasn't been successful in getting to move to a different location yet.

The last time I visited my mother's office, we were going back to the building after lunch when we saw a person smoking. It was pretty close to the door. Ironically, there was a sign on the door that said "No Smoking within 20 feet of the building" or something like that. But the person was not that far from the building. I hope the smoke from his cigarette is not blowing into the building when the door opens... After all, it's bad enough to smoke, but it's much, much worse if you smoke in a place with other people. If you made a bad decision and start smoking, it becomes your loss, but if you smoke around other people then they could get lung cancer when they've never given into peer pressure or somehow or other picked up a cigarette.

I am still finding cigarettes around the school. It's probably not from the teachers because one of my old teachers says that if you smoke, you've pretty much ruined your chances of becoming a teacher...At least at elementary school, and perhaps also middle school. Where did the cigarettes come from, then? Is it from those people who come here on the weekends? (I didn't know those older boys who play basketball smoked, but you never know. We find old Gatorade bottles and gum stuck to benches...) I find it unlikely that middle school students would be smoking, but there are always snakes in the grass...

Labels: air, billiards, building, cigarette, disney, donald in mathmagic land, job, manager, middle school, movie, music, pool, pull-ups, pythagoras, school, smoking, strength, teacher, work, youtube

Goldfish crackers. The wonderful, smiling cheesy snacks. One time I saw a package of Goldfish and the part with the ingredients even said "Made with Smiles". As crackers go, I think Goldfish are really cute.

It seems like they don't always have smiles, though, despite their claim. If I can't get enough to eat from the rest of the salad bar, which is one of the lunch lines at my school, then I add in some Goldfish. I was studying them and I realized some of them seem to be faceless! What a shame. Those Goldfish must have a rough time in life, having nothing but a blank expression.

But then again, smiles aren't always heartfelt, are they? I remember having read in books how characters would smile, but the smile wouldn't "reach their eyes". It was only a smile of the mouth. Not a true smile. It kind of reminds me of smiling for photographs. If I don't really feel like smiling, but I still have to, my face looks awkward in the picture. It would look right if a person was caught while really laughing or smiling, though. I don't really like to take pictures on purpose because of it. I think it's better to take photos of life in the moment.

Sometimes it can be hard, going through each day. I still have to be strong. Most of the time I feel like I need to keep my troubles to myself and pretend everything is okay, when really inside of me it's all turmoil. And there are times when I feel like I have to let someone know, or I'm going to explode, and I try to let it show through my emotions, body language, and such visual signs, but I don't know if anyone is able to pick up on it. Most of the time it's okay. I can still make it through each day, one after another. And I can even enjoy myself. But I wonder how long it will be before my vase, filling up with all my worries and doubts, will start to spill the water in it.

Then again, this could be just another challenge of life. Perhaps it's something I'll grow out of. Just as some people who are allergic to peanuts lose the allergy when they age, I suppose there are some problems that will cease to be problems when you experience more things, different things, significant things. I wonder if how someone acts is influenced by nature or nurture. Are you born a certain way? Can you change it? Or are things just not meant to be changed? Is it a mix of both? It's still a mystery.

Since I just mentioned allergies, I thought of something strange. I just went to my mom's friend's house yesterday. The last time I visited them was a few years ago. Back then my mom's friend's daughter hadn't gone to college yet, and their cat was in the house. Now they have a different house, and the cat is in the garage. Apparently, my mother's friend's wife and her daughter became allergic to cats. Did they change cats? Or did they develop new allergies? I think that's really strange. I thought that once you got used to something, you would be less likely to be allergic to it, not more likely.

I'm going on to some other news now. On Friday, the musical electives at my school - choir, orchestra, and band - performed. The schedule was very wacky in order to make room for the three assemblies (since there are a lot of students, it's better to have three different performances, and one third of the non-performers attend each one). I attended the first assembly, where the choir, beginning strings (orchestra), beginning band, advanced orchestra, and advanced band performed.

The advanced orchestra performed the music to the film Spirited Away, which made me really happy because I really like that music. I think two years ago I heard it performed by the advanced orchestra at that time. And I'm a fan of the Studio Ghibli films. The other music played by the advanced orchestra was Palladio, which is apparently the music to a De Beers diamond commercial. Even when I heard it, I wasn't able to think of the commercial...Was the commercial really old? Like from 1993 or something? Or do I just not watch much television? D:

Labels: allergies, cat, change, crackers, de beers, diamond, emotions, expression, goldfish, mask, music, orchestra, palladio, photography, problem, school, smile, snacks, spirited way, strength

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