◆ k a i s o u m i z u - somewhere beyond the sea

By ◆ Juppie on Saturday, December 4, 2010 @ 12:20 PM

Sadly, I'm not talking about Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy, sorry to disappoint you video gamers out there. XD The weather's been gloomy the last two days, just a grey veil of clouds that blocks the sunlight. I don't like days like that. I think it should either rain, snow, or go back to being blue skies with my favorite kinds of clouds - the voluminous ones with clear edges, light parts and dark parts.

I guess it reflects my mood. I was feeling pretty melancholy yesterday, partially because it is now Finals season, and there's a lot to do, studying and a speech, but I just don't feel like doing it. (I find myself growing lazier and lazier the longer this year goes on. For a while I was actually doing well - I was actually socializing, getting a somewhat decent amount of sleep, was scoring high on my exams - but I've fallen back into a slump.) Or it could be a natural fluctuation in mood.

What's really troubling me, though, is that I'm terrible at dealing with people. It always seems that after I've been friends with someone for a couple of years, I start to notice a lot more of their faults (or is that just a natural consequence from their aging?) and I wonder if that's why my relationships with other people always start to deteriorate. Or maybe it's more because I don't like to make the first move. I might not say hello even if I see someone I know, as I prefer the other person to greet me first, like what happened yesterday. I was helping a classmate with some homework, and we happened to be sitting at a place where a group of friends meets at brunch. I saw two of my friends, though we didn't really say hello to each other. I told my classmate that I had to go and left. Later, at PE, one of my friends, who I hadn't spoken with a brunch, asked why I had left without saying anything. I was rather awkward and defensive when I answered, because at the time, I had reasoned, There's no need to say goodbye to someone you hadn't even said hello to, is there? I wasn't there to socialize, I was there to try and help someone with homework. Maybe it would've been better if I had said something, but
then again, isn't that something I usually do? Just go off without saying anything? Still not used to it by now?

Well, I guess I'm just not very tolerant of anything these days. I feel so impatient and so exasperated with many things that I used to put up with, and I just really have this urge to change my lifestyle a lot...Move somewhere else, go on walks and read books and take photos and just take everything at my own pace. And stop going on the Internet so much. But I'm still not strong enough to do that. Will I ever be?

There's problems at home, too, and with other relatives, though I'm not really allowed to discuss it at the moment. As time goes on, I think more and more that families come with more trouble than benefits, and so I told my mother that I'll probably end up "forever alone". (Of course, she didn't catch the reference to the Internet meme.)

Oh, but before I forget, I recently found two characters who look alike again... Sylvia Van Hossen from Princess Lover! at the left, and Saber from Fate/Stay Night at the right.